This is a difficult post to write, because it means putting my personal struggles out in public for others to judge. It will probably be a little disjointed, and certainly not what I’d call professional blog writing, but it’s me. It’s raw. It’s real.
I’ve always considered myself lucky that I was blessed with good mental health. I didn’t seem to suffer from depression that I couldn’t explain. Any anxiety I experienced could be pinpointed to a specific cause. When things were good they were good.
I’m talking today, because things are good, but they’re not good, and I don’t know why.
Take today for instance. The day started out pretty good. I marveled at how I wasn’t feeling even a little anxious this morning. I tested the water, so to speak, by thinking of my typical triggers: money, my kids, my job, and the dreaded comment sections on the internet. Nothing. No physical reaction what so ever. Today would be a good day!
Until I ate lunch. It was nothing special. Ate some food. Wasted a little time on my phone. Spoke to my son, who is feeling a bit under the weather today. Logged into my state’s health insurance system to see if I can apply for next year yet. (How is it open enrollment, but I can’t enroll? Perhaps tomorrow).
Health care is definitely a trigger. It’s expensive and throws my whole system, which I tend to obsess over, out of whack. Perhaps that’s why I’m suddenly feeling my symptoms again: rapid heart rate, palpitations. General feeling of unease from head to toe.
Most days I can’t pinpoint any one reason. Most days, it’s everything and nothing. I just feel this way. All day.
Particularly bad are Sunday nights. On Sunday’s I am returning from a weekly road trip with my kids. It’s about a 4 hour drive and I get home around 10-10:30 at night. I typically unwind for a bit before heading off to bed.
I’ve been doing this for 10 years with no major issues. It’s only been in the last 6 months that I can pretty much count on not sleeping on Sunday night. I’ve cut out caffeine. I’ve cut out alcohol. I’m not sure what else I can change, but sure enough I got about two hours of fitful sleep. I sometimes think the only reason I sleep the rest of the week is from pure exhaustion.
Today is not a good day after all. Just thinking of the aforementioned exhaustion is compounding my anxiety.
I need help, but it costs money, which throws my debt repayment plan out of whack. I’m obsessed with getting the debt paid off, so I can pay for the help I need without going further in a hole. I’m obsessed with paying off my debt, so I can afford to keep my daughter insured when her CHIP plan expires. And when that happens, her insurance takes priority over mine, due to a chronic and life threatening illness that cannot be cured. And I can’t figure out why, when I have a decent middle class job, I still can’t afford health insurance and save for retirement at the same time. Never mind the day to day expenses.
There I go…. TRIGGERED!!!